10 October 2006

The new English

Whilst deleting some old e-mails this morning, I found one from November 2000 that had this joke in it. It is stil funy (viz apologis to ur German frinds).

To : All members of Her Majesty's Government

In accordance with popular opinion throughout Britain, but to the surprise of some of our foreign neighbours, the commissioners for European Union have recently announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the accepted language for European communications rather than German, the other language which had been under consideration. This is seen as a great boost for our country.

As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government did concede that on occasion the English spelling had some room for improvement and a five-year phased plan has been accepted for the introduction of what will become known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

In the first year the letter "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will reseive this news with joy. Also the hard "c" will be replased by the letter "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typists akross the kountry will be delighted as keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" kombination will be replased by the letter "f". This will make words like "fotograf" twenty per sent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to get to the stage where more komplikated amendments are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, as these have always been a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre, that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful and they wil be exterminated.

By the fourth year the new vision wil be klose to fulfilment when the "th" kombination is replasd by the leter "z", "w" is replasd by "v" or "m" depending on sirkumstanses and "qu" by ze easier to pronouns "kv". By zen peopl vil aksept mizout kvestion ze final steps.

During ze fifz year ze unesesary "o" vill be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar zings vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

By ze end of ze fifz yer ven ze master plan is komplet, al pepol vill be hapy mit zis vay of speaking and riting and ve vil hav a ruzlesly efisiant languag and riten styl. Zer vill be no trubl or difikultis und evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ozers.

Ze drem vil finaly kum tru and ve kan say mizout kvestion zat ve hav vays of making yu talk.

3 comments:

afarensis said...

I've never seen that before, it's hysterical...

Duane said...

Mark Twain wrote the following to his friend William Dean Howells in 1878, "How charmed I am when I overhear a German word which I understand!" Your post is hilarious. Thanks!

budak said...

O Mein Lieber Gott! Das ist doch kein Englisch sondern Europäisch!!